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- “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” – Mitch Hedberg
- “It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.” – Jack Handey
- “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright
- “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin
- “I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it, I keep it scattered on beaches all over.” – Unknown
- “I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” – Unknown
- “When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.” – Unknown
- “Last night, I played poker with Tarot cards … got a full house and 4 people died.” – Steven Wright
- “The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.” – Unknown
- “I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.” – Ben Bailey
- “My father is schizophrenia, but he’s good people.”- Stewart Francis
