NOTE: Many, but not all, of the earliest items are taken from either Dad Jokes by Kit and Andrew Chilvers or The World’s Greatest Collection of Dad Jokes from Shiloh Run Press. Later ones from a variety of sources.
Added 8/24/20:
- Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
- When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
- When chemists die, they barium.
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
- A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.
- He often broke into song, because he couldn’t find the key.
Added 3/23/20:
- I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
- I’m terrified of elevators – I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
- Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
- What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married? Feyonce.
- My friend has been living a secret life as a priest! It’s been his altar ego.
- Why can’t the T-Rex clap? Because it’s dead.
Added 1/27/20:
- Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re a little shellfish.
- The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
- I guess you heard of the restaurant on the moon: Great food, no atmosphere.
- He got fired from his job at the calendar factory – he took a couple days off.
- I’d like to thank all the sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.
- Your nose isn’t 12 inches long because then it would be a foot.
Added 11/18/19:
- I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
- A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
Added 9/23/19:
- Apparently Jefferson Davis was popular in High School. He was voted most likely to secede.
- I hate it when people put me on the spot. Don’t you?
- A pest control man came to the door – I told him to bug off.
- And the FBI agent who sprayed his room with RAID? He thought it might be bugged.
- I just traded my bed for a trampoline. My wife hit the roof.
- I’ve always wanted to be a mirror salesman. It’s just something I could see myself doing.
Added 8/12/19:
- What did the janitor say when he unexpectedly popped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
- I’m reading a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen – I can feel it.
- I originally wasn’t going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
- A line of rabbits moving backwards? A receding hare line.
- My mom bought me a really cheap dictionary. I couldn’t find the words to thank her.
- I think we’re in for a bad spell of wether.
Added 7/15/19:
- (From subscriber Dan Felshin) Why are owls smarter than chickens? Did you ever see a Kentucky Fried Owl?
- My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. I Schwepped her off her feet.
- I’ve been told I’m condescending. (That means I talk down to people.)
- I told a friend I was off to California this summer. He told me to be more pacific, so I went to Hawaii instead.
- And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth – and won a toaster.
- My daughter said “I see your glass is empty, would you like another?” I asked her why I’d want two empty glasses.
Started 7/1/19:
- When I call the Psychic Hotline, it seems all the psychics are either angry or depressed. I’m just looking for a happy medium.
- Police were called to a daycare when a 3-year old was resisting a rest.
- My wife noticed that our neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work and asked why I didn’t do that. “Because I hardly know her” I said.
- I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.
- Being told I was going deaf was very difficult to hear.
- My daughter asked me what ‘inexplicable’ means. I said ‘it’s hard to explain.’
- Someone broke into the police station and stole all the toilets. Police say they have nothing to go on.
- My dog swallowed my phone, so I had to ring his neck.
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