“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” – Mitch Hedberg
“It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.” – Jack Handey
“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin
“I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it, I keep it scattered on beaches all over.” – Unknown
“I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” – Unknown
“When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.” – Unknown
“Last night, I played poker with Tarot cards … got a full house and 4 people died.” – Steven Wright
“The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.” – Unknown
“I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.” – Ben Bailey
“My father is schizophrenia, but he’s good people.”- Stewart Francis
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
“I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.” – Richard Pryor
“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do
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